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The Academy Award Thank You Speech We Wish We’d Heard

Wow, this is amazing.  I never thought I’d hold one of these!
But this Academy Award isn’t for me.  It’s for you.  No, not you sitting in the Defunct-Technology Theatre.  For you out there, the audience.
You’re why we do this.  This award is for you.
Thank you for going to the movies.  You don’t need to be convinced that movies are worth watching, although after the self-congratulatory lines they gave Morgan Freeman, “all of us are mesmerized by the magic of the movies,” you’d be justified thinking that we’re feeling insecure.
That we wonder about our own relevance.
I suppose we should.  Less of you go to the movies than ever before.  Maybe that’s because we aren’t making the movies you want to watch.  No, I’m not talking about pandering to the lowest common denominator, derivative-effects-laden-high-decibel drivel – despite what some of the execs in this room think, you usually don’t go see those movies anyway, at least not in numbers enough to justify their production and marketing cost.
I’m talking about making movies for the right reason, and there is only one right reason: to give you what you go to the movies for.
Is it only me, or do movies seem less and less relevant to our lives?  Most of the time I feel anesthetized, not “mesmerized,” don’t you?
Thank you for being here and sitting through a lot of movies that are, frankly, crap (can I say that on ABC?).
Thanks for coming to the movies even when they are getting so stupidly expensive you have to think twice about it.  Thanks for not boycotting rising ticket prices even though they seem to be going up faster than gasoline.  Your average ticket now costs more than $8! And you have to pay extra for popcorn!
Now of course some of the people in the Oh-Great-Just-What-We-Need-Another-Sponsorship-Opportunity Theatre are cringing now.  They’re flashing that “Wrap up now!” red light at me, but goddamn it, oh sorry, ABC, I’m only gonna be up here this once.
Hey, we all know the books are cooked.  Not the studio accounting books, that’s another story, I mean the books on movie attendance.  Every year there’s a press release that the box office is just great.  It isn’t!  Last year’s box office was down, and it was down the year before that.  The only reason it wasn’t down more is because of those rising ticket prices.  Less and less of you go to the movies each year.
I love you, audience.  I want you back!
Nice, they’re starting the play-off music.  Is that a way to treat an Oscar winner?  WELL, I CAN TALK LOUDER THAN YOU CAN PLAY.
THANK YOU FOR WATCHING MY MOVIE ANYWHERE YOU WANT TO.  THANK YOU FOR WATCHING IT ON YOUR IPAD, YOUR MOBILE PHONE, ON YOUR TV, ON YOUR LAPTOP.  I don’t care – I’m just happy you’ve seen our work.  Even though it seems harder and more complicated every day, what with making you wait longer or shorter times to see the movie on this or that device, or in this or that way, or having to join one service or another just to see it.
Thank you for being here, coming and caring.  Thanks for supporting our work.
Now Billy’s coming over to me. Hi Billy, did they tell you to pull me off stage?  Fine, fine, let’s go, I’m done.  Gimme your arm.  But let’s not go backstage where your thugs will put me in Movie Jail.  Can we walk through the Let’s-Hope-Frank-McCourt-Doesn’t-Buy-This Theatre, and go out to the street and see our fans?  Really.  They’re who we need to thank.

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