God’s Gay Rainbow™


During LGBTQ Pride Month, The Gays are ever grateful that God gave us his most wondrous invention – the rainbow, a penultimate symbol of joy, beauty, and hope. (Thank you, God!)

We freely share this blessed splash of color with everyone, even though technically, we own the intellectual property rights to God’s Gay Rainbow™ – as he terms it and has so branded it for us.

Recently, some have accused The Gays of stealing the rainbow from the Creator Himself. That is so not true! God gave it to us in 1978. Google it.

“Give it back!” religious leaders cry. “You’ve ripped God off!” OMG, we are so sorry that they feel this way! And of course, we would give the rainbow back in a flash if God asked for it. But he hasn’t. In the end, we must respect his Word. Or lack thereof.

(Also, please give us a moment here because we must convey something: We just can’t tell you how honored and blessed we feel! Imagine! God giving you his rainbow!) (OMG!)

God’s Gay Rainbow™ exists in the sky for everyone to enjoy. That is why God chose the heavens (rather than, say, a trademark on boulders or cow pastures) for his Marketing and Branding Strategy for The Gays. He wanted The Gays to be celebrated by all: Jews, Muslims, Christians, birds, giraffes, the NFL, oxen, etc. He placed his Big Gay Logo up as high as he could. You cannot miss it. The distribution channels are everywhere. We are talking – worldwide!

The Gay Rainbow Brand ® – designed by God (God!) – is his promise to all of life. God’s Gay Rainbow™ tells everyone what they can expect from The Gays: joy, beauty, color, variety, symmetry, balance, (magic!), harmony, and appreciation of life’s duality, because remember – it takes both the sun and rain to make God’s Gay Rainbow™.

On that point, few are aware that God’s Gay Rainbow™ appears only after a rain because of this scientific fact: those are God’s tears and they are tears of joy. On occasion, God simply breaks down with wild exultation that he was astute enough to create The Gays and then brand them with a rainbow. Genius! Best. Marketing Plan. Ever. So God weeps, bathing the earth with a cleansing rain, and then some sun, and then – God’s Gay Rainbow™!

Talk about intelligent design.

We are aware that religious leaders now tightly clutch the rainbow, perhaps out of envy that God gave his creation to The Gays. We sooooo get that they covet the rainbow since we realize just how rapturous it is to actually own God’s rainbow (you really have no idea) – a symbol of our joyous diversity, which tangentially, includes them. And everyone else.

Now, some point to a passage in the book of Genesis that supposedly explains the rainbow’s origins. After the Great Flood, God formed a new covenant between Noah and his descendants, promising to never commit mass murder by drowning millions again. The key phrase seems to be “by drowning,” which in contractual terms, is quite limited.

Anyway, God creates a rainbow as a sign of his (somewhat) good intentions. This supposedly proves that God did not give his rainbow to The Gays.

That is so not true!

Noah was gay. His family was just a cover. And even if Noah was straight (doubtful), God clearly solidified his high profile branding decision back in 1978.

In conclusion, please remember this: God’s Gay Rainbow™ – while being the intellectual property of The Gays – is actually regulated by God Him-Her-Zim-Xem-Self. It is God who ultimately calls the shots regarding his branding powers. If he so chooses, God can withdraw God’s Gay Rainbow™ should he become displeased with his Gay creation. He could instead give his rainbow to say, Bulgaria.

This is a somber point, of which The Gays have always been acutely aware. We hope this never happens! We would be devastated if God’s rainbow intellectual property rights were transferred to Bulgaria! Because we love God and are so honored that he chose us for his most precious and holy branding mark, God’s Gay Rainbow™! (OMG!)

Thank you, God!



God’s Gay Rainbow™ Trademark Usage Guidelines:

Go for it! But just don’t piss God off.


Photo: Pablo029, via Wikimedia Commons

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