Pardon Me?

It was reported a few days ago that Donald Trump reached out to NFL players, soliciting from them suggestions of those whom he might next consider for a presidential pardon.

“I’m going to ask them to recommend to me people who were unfairly treated,” he said at the White House on Friday. “If the athletes have friends of theirs or people they know about that have been unfairly treated by the system, let me know.”

Trump previously told the press that he absolutely has the right to pardon himself, although quickly adding that that presidential power would not be necessary since he has done nothing wrong.

We have just seen the list submitted to the president by the NFL players. While incomplete, it is a fairly comprehensive compilation of names from the sports spectrum:

• Justify for saying “neigh” to an invitation to the White House
• Justin Trudeau for saying “nay” to Trump
• Mike Pence for never saying “nay” to Trump. (And for his shameless grandstanding at the Colts game)
• Chris Webber for calling time-out
• J.R. Smith for not knowing the score and not calling time-out
• Spygate (New England Patriots version)
• Deflategate (New England Patriots version)
• Plaxico Burress for carrying an unlicensed handgun in his sweatpants into a nightclub and shooting himself in the leg
• Jerry Jones for bro-hugging Chris Christie
• Roger Clemens for throwing a jagged bat handle at Mike Piazza
• Cameron Diaz for feeding popcorn to A-Rod at the Super Bowl
• The Super Bowl pre-game and half-time shows
• Sideline reporters for their inane and sycophantic questions
• Spokespersons who say or write “going forward”
• Diego Maradona for his “Hand of God” goal
• Bonehead Merkle
• Wrong way Riegels
• Mike Francesa for his farewell retirement tour that lasted four times as long as his retirement
• Bracketologists
• Sports gurus
• Sabermetricians
• Draftniks
• Golf for pretending its players are athletes
• The U.S. men’s soccer team for pretending its athletes are players
• Mark Sanchez for the buttfumble
• The USFL
• Rosie Ruiz for taking a shortcut
• The solemnity of The Masters
• Sports business jargonistas
• National anthem balladeers
• Anal retentive MLB managers who try to fix what isn’t broken
• Sports-talk radio callers for lives of unquiet desperation
• Red Sox players for drinking brew and eating wings during a game
• Pablo Sandoval for “liking” something on Instagram while sitting on the dugout toilet
• Leon Lett
• Metta World Peace
• He Hate Me
• Jeremy Giambi for not sliding
• Manny for being Manny
• Joe Pisarcik for his handoff
• Joba for playing on a trampoline
• Pete Rose
• Jim Gray
• Stephen A. Smith
• Odell Beckham for acting like a dog
• The Philadelphia Eagles for their dignified response to their undignified president

Photo: Trump disembarks at Key West. Official White House photo by Shealah Craighead. Used under Creative Commons 3.0 License.

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