“What would 12 year old me, say about me?”
You asked that question, last night
I tried to, I told you how I felt and cared for you because I love you
But after I hit sent in the message
I took a shower and broke down crying
Remembering the tragedy I went through
That I tried so hard to conceal with laughter and smiles
I realized no matter how much happiness and love I share
I can’t hide those nights and can’t avoid that pain
It haunts me, every day
I wanted to fall in the eternal, endless sleep
Restlessly praying and hoping I would never see another tomorrow, again
I cried and died; I tried several times in my life
When I had lost hope, but god really said nope
Made me wake up and endure endless pain
It made me strong but it added baggage
Baggage that has drowned me so many times in so many ways
You could never understand
That makes me feel defective
Infected with the constant feeling of neglect
Rejected in love continuously
Unexpectedly I give the most but never receive
12 year old me suffered, neglect, betrayal, lies, disappointments, mental, emotional and verbal abuse
Her anxiety and overthinking just added to the unending fucked up shit
Every thought become a suggestion, she was taking under consideration
Her demons had become her angels
She had fallen in the black hole
Younger me felt the need to cut her wrist, to ease the pain internally within
Wanted to escape this world and prayed to god it heard her pleas
Believed Advil was a way to kill all the pain, never worked
Believe that running and avoid the problem would make it go away
12 year old me didn’t think I would be standing here
It made me realize she would be proud of all the endless fights I have fought
Whole childhood has been an infinite battle
Full of ceaseless trauma and scars that haunt my life
Year after year
Pain across pain
Tears after tears, yet I’m still here.