Standard Deviation

 
Yesterday when i wasnt studying for
The math summative i had today
I didnt remember how to calculate the
Standard deviation when youre given the
Mean and instead i was tracing with my pupils
The color of gray
Footprints from uggs walking through construction on the sidewalk
Twenty feet away from where my mother parks her car
When she is waiting for
3:35 when school ends but i dont
Actually leave the building until 3:39
I was not studying whisper broken fragmented i love you
And in this moment i love you but
He doesnt say it back tonight and i
Accidentally hang up the call at 11 something when he
Is sleeping and it is too late to call back
And i wish that it was fucking last year again because now everybody wants to be
Friends with the boy i used to love in february when
It snowed and melted on my fingertips
He was someone i loved so
So fucking much and maybe just a little bit i always
Will—stream of consciousness take me back to
Ninth grade and has anything really changed since then
My lips are still
Chapped and the soles of
My jordans are still black but faded
More and i wonder if the sun will ever fade sun tanned
Hair and the poem leah wrote for me and wondering why anything
Has fucking changed because why does anything have to change and
Us from that
Day and those
Fucking motherfucking stairs i have lost
A part of me inside of and strawberry wine i cant
Describe what it feels like to
Reminisce being fifteen
And wondering where leaves go after they fall
And i need to go all i need is to go and that
Gray fucking hoodie
100% cotton and listening to
My friends dad screaming at her in korean and his
Voice speaks like gravel and my knuckles are itchy
And i wonder what it would be like
To drown and sometimes lately i have been
Wondering about what makes life worth living because some people
Spend so much time trying to heal things like cancer and dementia and strokes and
Broken body parts and organ failure and diabetes and i understand
The reason for
Trying to avoid pain but i dont understand
What makes someone so avid on living and longer living and curing jowls but maybe
We wont have jowls by the time i am old because
Someone will cure it and i wonder what makes something beautiful
I really dont think i know
I dont fucking know
I really want to fucking know why the fuck he likes
Her more than me because i would
Have done anything
For him and i love the color
Of the sky when it is gray it smothers
Me like the feeling of
Clasped hands
Over my mouth
And nose like
Air is coming in through the cracks in my fingers in between the fat where
He squeezed and i
Held in my stomach
And my breath until i—
My eyelashes break in chunks
My mascara is dry and i want to not be here anymore
I remember my reflection in the bowl
Of the sink in my
Bathroom when i shower too late and i crave the sound of
Listening to my mother snore
Under my bed
There is a vent and i
Can hear her breathing and i can
Hear her breathing and
I want us to stay the same