Measurements

If I could measure our friendship,
I would measure it at 5 inches.
Every inch representing the dick that you chose over our friendship.

If I could measure our friendship,
I would measure it at six months.
Those six months of friendship that you threw away.

If I could measure our friendship,
I would measure it at an hour and ten minutes.
For that hour and ten minutes you told me I wasn’t good enough.

If I could measure our friendship,
I would measure it in apologies.
Because I felt like I was the only one saying it.

If I could measure our friendship,
I would subtract one from four.
As I am one person without three.

If I could measure our friendship,
I would measure it in hugs.
The hugs I never got to give you.

If I could measure our friendship,
I would measure it in tears.
In the tears that we both shared.

If I could measure our friendship,
I would measure it in I love yous.
Because we shared a lot of them.

If I could measure our friendship,
I would measure it in giggles.
Because I could make you laugh.

If I could measure our friendship,
I would measure it in prayers.
In hopes that you would always be safe and always be happy.

If I could measure my pain,
I would measure it in all the meters of the ocean.
As it has no definite end.

If I could measure my sadness,
I would measure it from April 19th.
The last day.

If I could measure my sorrow,
I would measure it by every second of every day.
As I never not think of the good times.

If I could measure my woe,
I would measure it in apologies.
As I would apologize until my last breath again for you.

If I could measure my misery,
I would add three to one.
Because that’s what I miss.

If I could measure my heartache,
I would measure it in hugs.
For everyone I wish was a second longer.

If I could measure my grief,
I would measure it in tears,
The ones that I don’t let fall when I think about us.

If I could measure my hurt,
I would measure it in I love yous,
They still ring true.

If I could measure my dejection,
I would measure it in laughter.
That still bubbles from my throat when I think of certain moments.

If I could measure my desolation,
I would measure it in prayers. Hoping that you’ll come back.
But I can’t measure them.
I can’t understand why this happened.
I can’t understand how this happened.
I can’t understand why I let this happen.
I can’t understand how I let this happen.

Just like you couldn’t understand.
Didn’t want to understand.

I measured the chance of us.
I measured it from months and weeks.
I measured it to days and hours.
I added hugs, I love yous and giggles.
I divided by tears, apologies and arguments.
I multiplied by how much I miss you and how much I still love you.
I subtracted by the unfollows, the blocks, and the things I’ve heard.

I still don’t know.

But I want to.