The day I’ve carried into Tomorrow
We live apart now—
hard to admit
this is better
for the both of Us
a long road travelled to this point
We sit awhile and gaze into each Other
I remember
the first time I saw her
She recalls
I wonder what
I am so very sorry—
the message a final verdict
laid bare
within eyes
of pity, sorrow, judgement
a Stranger’s eyes
daring to untether me
from all the hopes and wishes
I once housed within—
a life unfurled
before fully woven;
Memory
angers and injures me to this day
I was so
selfish uncaring
unwilling
to release myself of pride
to surrender humbly
to the reality of
a very unique,
a very different,
my special child.
She shifts in her seat-
Her tiny body
humming and pulsating
with some
hidden harmony and rhythm
a secret song she only knows;
She smiles with eyes heavenward,
I seek to meet her gaze desperately,
still all these many years later,
wishing there was a smile meant for me—
Revisiting all the minutes
endless calls for help and guidance made
to my former spouse and my family,
my friends and neighbors
and her teachers, her counselors, her specialists,
her advocates, her support team—
leaving a lifetime of voicemails at the beep.
Reliving all the hours
constantly meeting to sort out
needs and priorities to support
the endless waiting
on responses on decisions
built by systems
built on protocols
so foreign and unfamiliar
with the burden of delay.
Recalling all the voices and words
that attempted to dictate
what and how we must proceed
the illusion of recovery
and other false expectations
I cultivated greedily within me
in those early years
now only harvested as regrets
for time I was so enamoured
of who I wanted Her to be
and not for who She actually was.
Remembering all the many years
the loneliness
that came with all the struggles
all the fighting
all of it for her!
She’s 30 now, I am much older.
I cry ashamed and look away.
“It’s ok mama, I am ok,” she says softly
her hands holding mine
She heals in me what lacked a cure
We sit and gaze up together in peace.
***
(Featured image from Pexels)