The feeling should be positive, but it’s not. Common sense says that this should be a good thing, and it should be. If it was an ongoing romance that was stressful, unsure of the emotions, or plagued by constant conflicts, why go back?

What is confusing is that there are some people who don’t even notice a stormy relationship and will only notice a healthy one. After months, they might start thinking of the person who caused them anxiety in their breakup, but they can’t even remember the person who respected them and was kind and consistent to them.

The Myth of “If I Miss It, It Must Have Been Love”

Longing is often mistaken for an indication of significance. A relationship that lingers in the mind of a person even after their relationship has broken up is definitely an extraordinary one.

A tense relationship can cause a cycle of tension and release. A partner withdraws, then approaches. There’s an argument followed by reconciliation. Disappointment is followed by hope. Positive moments are particularly satisfying due to the uncertainty in between.

Why Intensity Often Masquerades as Compatibility

There is an assumption in a lot of dating narratives that is discussed on relationship websites like SoulMatcher, and that is also present on relationship forums: Intensity implies compatibility. So, when talking about meaningful relationships, Soulmatcher comes up a lot, but sometimes, meaningful relationships are not overwhelming, unpredictable, or consuming.

Over-questioning a partner, for example, with “What do you mean?” can mean high levels of emotion daily. The feelings are important. They cause anticipation, relief, excitement and fear in the same week!

The Memory Trap Nobody Talks About

In re-visiting old relationships, people seldom repeat everything to the letter. Memories of good times are enhanced, and the memories of bad times are indistinct.

One of the strange things that happens in a lot of breakups is that it seems people don’t realize that their partner wasn’t the one that they had in mind, but rather the one they had not in mind. Their future is more enduring than their reality.

A Relationship Case That Shows How This Happens

This is evident in many well-known romances, for example, the romance between Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor.

They are often compared to a typical Hollywood romance. They married, divorced, married again, divorced again, their story a story of passion and dramatic reunions.

The Myth That Healthy Relationships Are Boring

This belief is one of the worst misconceptions that exists in today’s dating experience. It’s not an easy feeling when a person is with someone who has lived for years through emotional instability. There’s less drama to reconcile, less confusion to interpret and fewer crises to overcome.

“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time”.

– Maya Angelou.

The quote is still applicable, as unhelpful relationships tend to lead people to think about things they will do in the future, explanations, and promises. Healthy relationships will show themselves over time, not all at once.

How to Avoid Repeating the Same Pattern

A common trait of people who have successfully left an unhealthy relationship is that they paid attention to patterns rather than only relying on the promises made.

Several practical steps can help:

• Evaluate actions over words
• Notice recurring behavior instead of isolated incidents
• Set boundaries early rather than after problems escalate
• Treat respect as a requirement, not a reward
• Allow trust to develop gradually
• Pay attention to how a relationship feels on ordinary days, not only during emotional highs

One of the less discussed signs of a healthy relationship is that it becomes easier to be oneself. There is less performance, less anxiety, and less need to constantly monitor the other person’s reactions.

That quality may not create the dramatic memories associated with toxic relationships. It often creates something more valuable: a connection that remains stable even when life is not.

Photo: Diva Plavalaguna via Pexels

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